I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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