some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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