I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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