Banned from zoo.
Again?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
