Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
