new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Will exercising make me less horny?
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