Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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