Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
