he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.