9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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