and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life