Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome