she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
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at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
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I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying