I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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