Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
