why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
