if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
