We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
try to milk me bitch
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