Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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