Umm I'm too high to move.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
