Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
