Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
