I will die if light touches me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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