I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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