Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
