Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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