You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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