Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
