During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
