he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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