Your face is a jimmy john
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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