You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
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i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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