Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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