Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
