Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
