this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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