I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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