Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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