Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he thought i was a dude.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
