The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize