Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
