I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
