I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
