I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
