Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
