He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
