I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The air was thick with penises
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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