Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
