I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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