I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
another moral hangover. fuck.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
