My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
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God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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