Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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