You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
