Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
