No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
