is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
