I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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