I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize