Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
