I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
